when I said “I Love You”
the truth was so much greater

and when I said “I Missed You”
I could hardly live without you

and when I said “I Want You”
the truth is that I need you

without you, I feel imperfect

without you, I’m not sure I breathe

without you –
even for a moment –
I slip

and I only wish to fall
back into your arms

There are things in this world we choose not to see
Things forgotten or chosen from greed
And the more you forget, the more that you learn
Anything we build will eventually burn
Nothing we do is worth being done
The thrill of the kill is not worth the hunt
It’s more fun to cry than it is fun to bleed
We arrive at the ends by ignoring the means
So beat me clever without caution or care
Determine my doom if you desire or dare
And snake my eyes right from the bone
Only then will it make a loser alone

I lived alone and alone I live still
Completely encased, no emotions to spill
Eighteen years, drown choice in drink
Delicate creatures drown voice in think
Free the thunder of a mind controlled
Fight the flailing feelings I stole
Find a purpose for life without love
While I lie awake dreaming I’m never enough
In all of my words are some of my thoughts
I don’t know that I need but I think that I want
As much as I want, I will never receive
Anything more than I’ll get in my dreams
So self-distorted, my reflection is false
A stranger who knows me like no one at all
I keep to myself, there’s no other way
Living in sleep and dying in days

I lived in happiness but now in gloom
I killed that self and locked its tomb
The knife I used just rusts in rain
And won’t come clean from all this shame
What I thought was right was clearly wrong
Because I heard all I wanted all along
And I felt so free, forgetting fear
Had I not been blinded by these tears
I was a pawn in a game of chess
All alone with the queen in check
But after I said all I could possibly say
I opened my eyes and a king was in play
My dreams destroyed and my heart denied
I grabbed my blade and watched it slide
Across my heart, bleeding black
And I knew one day, that blade would be back

You don’t need doubt where You’re going, You don’t want it.
it will only make You afraid:

to exist beyond just existing,
to do what You want to do and say what You want to say,
to form Your own beliefs and to believe in them.

doubt will make You afraid to fail,
afraid to succeed,
afraid to even try.

so if You have any doubt,
LET IT GO.
all of it, completely!
be lighter without it,
be the light within You,
and shine everywhere You can,
everywhere You want,
and everywhere!

You are free, You are here!

As inspired years ago, at my most fragile.

As inspired by Belize, 2007.

one day
I will squint so hard
that I will see myself clearly
and there I will be
my eyes closed

The way he fell upon you, a distance so distinctly true
You threw your patient arms around a whisper and wielded wounds;

The way he fell upon you, a drastic dance with doom
And still he falls upon you but now he falls right through