Comicle #5: Patriotism is Relative

Comicles, posted on July 11, 2010 at 05h16

Before humans came along, borders of course did not exist. We made them up. And when we did, the land didn’t change, the air didn’t change… nothing changed except us. We started to believe that our invisible lines were better than anyone else’s. And this lead to many intense rivalries between people on different sides of these silly invisible lines. So with that, today’s word of the day is:

Patriotism (noun): the belief that the invisible boundary surrounding the relative place of your birth is somehow superior to everywhere else. (Similar to the my-dad-can-beat-up-your-dad phenomenon.)

Really, people, can’t we all just be buddies?

Note: this Comicle is presented in fabulous black and white so you can colour outside the lines! Fun!

Additional note: as has been pointed out to me by Eric — a man who changes his web theme more frequently than I change my socks — I actually defined nationalism, not patriotism. Properly, it should read: “Patriotism (noun): the belief that the invisible boundary surrounding the relative place of your birth is FREAKING AWESOME.”

The Swallow That Sings

Poems, posted on July 6, 2010 at 08h31

The swallow that sings as the sun is rising
Feels sorrow as the sunlight fades
The days to come are promised to none
So sing for tomorrow today

As inspired by Belize, 2007.

The Printer’s Work

Briefs of Fiction, posted on July 2, 2010 at 10h01

When the General came into the shop, he came with thunder. He was an arm of the President — the arm with the sword — and his questions were commands to be followed without question.

“Printer!” barked the General. “Will you make posters to hang in the city! Will you tell the people the truth about their glorious President!”

Work was slow and money hard to come by. Food was nearly impossible to find anywhere, every market was empty. The Printer was shaking, he had so little to eat.

The President was generous to his few loyal supporters. His General was ruthless with the rest. It was unwise to disagree with their requests, and really, what bother is it to anyone if it’s truth being printed or not? And what was truth anyway? Truth is printed all the time, by anyone! Let the people do as they will!

At the end of each day, he returned home and in the abundant food for his family he found truth. And each morning, it was lost, and he entered his shop a liar. When the door closed behind him, it sounded like thunder.

And so it went each day for months and years, his hands covered in the dark ink of the government. He could not care what horrible shapes the ink took. He would not look at it any more than to check the coverage. Day after day, he laboured.

The colour was the richest black. It was his pride.

Gone Campin’

My Regular Mind, posted on June 30, 2010 at 10h04

Boy I tell you, it’s been a while since my wrist was this sore. The other day I finished doodling a 28-page comic as a gift for my girlfriend. I think it’s pretty rad but I wish I’d given myself more than just a week to do it in! But now it’s all done with a single one-of-a-kind copy being reproduced into printer spreads and stitched. Don’t be too impressed, it was done in a rushed panic on a colour photocopier. It’s unlikely to be worth millions of dollars by any avid comic collectors.

As this post gets published, I’ll be loaded up with camping gear and on my way to Salt Spring Island. Just like last year — except with a tad more restraint — I’ve gone overboard with gear preparations. New tarp, new multi-day pack, new this, new that. What can I say, I’m a gear guy. I don’t mind packing in a bit of extra weight if I’m going to use it and enjoy it. Like the hammock. And the bocce balls. And this, and that… actually, we’ll see what makes the final cut into the backpack.

And with that!

Emma’s Particular Diet

Briefs of Fiction, posted on June 23, 2010 at 07h34

Emma stopped eating meat when she was seven years old. Two years later, she stopped eating milk and cheese, and three years after that she stopped eating processed food. None of this was for ethical or health reasons. Emma just had bad luck with food.

When she was seven, Emma’s t-ball team was going out for hot dogs, and when she bit into hers, she also bit into a severed pinky finger. (It belonged to one of the workers at the factory where the weiners were made.) As soon as she pulled it out and saw it pointing right back at her, she refused to eat meat ever again.

When Emma was nine she found a gelatinous gob of something icky white on top of the butter, and a little while later there was an incident with chocolate milk that she never talked about. On her tenth birthday she found what she thought was a frog’s eye in her ice cream cone. (It wasn’t actually a frog’s eye, though, it was a completely different animal.) This is when Emma stopped eating dairy.

Finally, when Emma was thirteen, she stopped eating processed food. This was an unusual year, actually, even for her. One time she found a little green worm in a fruit bar, another time a hornet’s nest in a bag of chips. A can of pop she nearly drank out of was full of nails, a donut was actually an angry coiled-up rattlesnake, and she found a paint-soaked sponge in a package that was supposed to be her favourite organic tofu. Who knows how these things happen, but they did, and they happened to Emma.

One day, Emma is going to stop eating most fruits and vegetables, all rice and beans and nuts, and everything except for a specific type of apple that she will grow herself. And then one day, something will happen, and she’ll stop eating even that.

But as Emma always said, don’t go letting her stories stop you from eating what you want. She just had bad luck, is all.

Comicle #4: Sign Language

Comicles, posted on June 17, 2010 at 03h42

The Bible says a lot of things. I don’t know all of them because I haven’t taken detailed notes, but I do know one thing: it’s a book. No matter what else it symbolizes, it is first, foremost, and physically a book of stories. The stories are myths. Every culture has myths that they pass down through the generations. All of these myths teach a lesson, and it is this lesson that is important. The story may show the lesson’s magnitude, but that’s it. Jesus was a teacher, just like Buddha and Mr. Feeny, and it is these lessons we are meant to learn.

And getting learned ain’t always easy. People have a wide scope of comprehension; some pick up every detail, some pick up none. I think most of us probably fall somewhere in the middle, and we store the information in our brain as best we can, in an automatic way that helps us to relate to it. In a sense, we remember what we want to remember.

Which brings me to the Bible. In this comic, the character of Angry Christian is protesting with his GOD HATES GAYS sign. He even asserts that the message is from God. Well, Mr. Angry Christian is wrong! The Bible doesn’t say that anywhere! Doesn’t even hint at it! And what sense would it make to create gay people just to hate them? And why have an overwhelming number of lessons about peace and love, then sandwich in a few specific little bigoted bits? It don’t make no kinda sense to me.

I think if people treated their sacred texts as metaphorical and allegorical lessons, they would better understand the writing inside. To the best of my awareness, God is not an omniscient man behind the curtain of our existence. I see God as a guiding flow of energy that harmonizes everything. And I see any quotes attributed to God as man’s best effort to explain the unanswerable questions about why we are here. We just want some answers, that’s all.

So don’t believe everything that you read. God doesn’t hate gays. Or people with signs.

Route 12B

Storytime, posted on June 14, 2010 at 03h37

Here it comes again, the 12B. Every day right before my bus. Always empty. Never stops. Some specific route, like the driver knows who gets on and where. It just keeps moving. I’ve watched it go by every day for four years. Today, it stops.

The brakes don’t screech like other buses. The doors are quiet when they slide open and it waits, motionless, for someone. But nobody does anything. Nobody notices. I walk over and look inside. The driver’s a hundred years old with a big white beard and drooping skin.

“You getting on?” he asks.

I ask where he’s going.

He shrugs. “Everywhere.”

“1375 Falconer Road?”

“That’s where I’m headed.”

I look at my watch. Almost nine. Traffic’s heavy this morning, the nine’ll be late. Big meeting this morning, can’t afford to be late for that. I step up and show my bus pass. He points to a sign that reads EXACT FARE ONLY. I hold my pass higher, maybe he didn’t see it. He shakes his head. “Pass ain’t good for this route. Exact fare only.”
Continued…

This Time, It Ain’t Personal!

Thoughtful Thinking, posted on June 3, 2010 at 04h20

What you eat is not a personal choice. Not as personal as, say, what shirt you wear, or the placement of your furniture. Diet is one of those things that unknowingly, unfortunately affects the whole world. And if not that, then at the very least one other individual, depending on who you’re eating. And although there may be arguments for and against the choice to eat whichever particular species of individual, I don’t think whether or not it’s personal is an arguable matter.

As long as your diet is not completely self-sustained, someone else is involved in what you eat. Maybe it’s the gardener where you get your potatoes, maybe it’s the butcher where you get your free-range chickens; someone else is involved. And maybe you eat more than chickens and/or potatoes, maybe you’re like me and hardly grow any of your overall food consumption. That’s a lot of people involved in your food choices.

And then let’s think about the food itself, what the average person eats. Most of that food is produced by great big automated farms, and these automated farms — as well as the corporations that own them — are of course concerned with making a profit. And when they can produce food more quickly and cheaply, they make more profit faster. That’s pretty much an ideal situation for them. That’s like Godzilla finding an ice cream factory, assuming Godzilla loves ice cream. Continued…

Out of Focus

Poems, posted on June 1, 2010 at 01h01

I am
completely out of focus;
each time I look in the mirror
I have to squint harder and harder
to see myself

one day
I will squint so hard
that I will see myself clearly
and there I will be
my eyes closed

A Seat in the Fog

Briefs of Fiction, posted on May 31, 2010 at 11h26

Somewhere in the building across the street, in some scattered bit of his confused heart, Marcel admired what his wife had done. He shoved the deed into his pocket and wandered around. Rows and rows of patio furniture, all arranged neatly across the split room, more still in boxes in the back. Each table and each chair had accumulated only the dust since they were last cleaned perhaps two months earlier. Marcel pulled a plastic chair away from a glass table and its collapsed umbrella, and he rested.

When he proposed to his wife so many graying years ago, he promised her everything. They had nothing at the time so everything was easy to give, like a house, a family, food on the table. And all these things, he gave her.

They bought a store together, a little corner store in the small town where they lived. He liked the work but never quite understood the bookkeeping, so she took care of that. And every day, together, they ran the store. People went there for groceries, to rent movies, to enjoy a home-cooked meal. They raised their children there, and their children grew up to raise their own children there, and still, always together, they ran their store.

Looking around the dark room, Marcel wiped his eyes dry. All this furniture ordered from catalogues and shipped here, all set up and arranged and regularly cleaned. He had so many questions. He wanted none of them answered. He wanted out.

Last year, she told him that she was dying. She knew for a while, but she kept it to herself. It didn’t make sense, maybe, or she didn’t believe it, or she forgot. Her mind was getting old, she said. Foggy. She forgot some things, and remembered other things, things that never happened. Sometimes she didn’t recognize where she was.

He thought she was just tired.

She was tired for a long time.

Marcel made sure the For Sale sign was visible in the boarded-up windows. He locked up the building across from their store and put the key that the locksmith made into his pocket. According to the deed, they bought the building together years before she passed away, but this was the first time he’d seen this foggy place. He did not want to come back.

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